Have you ever been out and seen that amazing smiling, well put together mom? She looks so amazing, happy and genuinely in control of her life. When her kids start to fuss and yell out in public she handles it so calmly but firmly never losing that amazing composure. I have honestly thought I have seen it but I am guessing by the time she makes it home that composure is slipping if not gone, if her kids don't let up with the crying and yelling and fussing.
Kids are not perfect. They have to learn from being an infant and crying to get what they want, to using their words, and then to accept that sometimes they really cant have what they want as their wants and desires grow. This can lead to challenging times. Specially in the toddler stage when communication is just being formed. And sometimes the temper tantrums can last on and off all day. Add a fussy teething baby, a cranky overworked husband, bills, doctors appointments, laundry, messy house, dogs, family obligations etc. etc. and all of a sudden your not sure if you want to get drunk or punch someone ;) (Or is that just me lol)
I have had many days where I go to bed and berate myself for the way I have handled situations with my kids. I try my hardest to be the Mother I described above but it can come at a price if you don't take time to recharge. But there is another challenge, by the time you have time to recharge all you want is comfy jammies, a snuggly bed and absolute silence ;) Well at least I do lol. And for those of us with husbands or life partners there is the other struggle. They need to feel loved by you too. So how do we keep our sh*t together?
What do you do when you reach that point when you feel like everyone wants a piece of you and all of your time is so divided that you have nothing left for yourself? Sometimes our spouses get the short end of the stick (so to speak), and sometimes that is ok as long as they understand, but most times we do. So our tempers get shorter, are moods get messier, and our ability to feel in control crumbles. Some of us even feel depressed because we think we should be able to do it all. Didn't our mothers? What about our Grandmother's (The Leave it to Beaver mom's)? And we compare ourselves to the other mother we believe we saw who looked so perfect. Is it possible, is there a way to be so calm and in control? Perhaps. If I had money for a nanny and could take more time to myself, or if I had money for daycare, or if I had more family close by that didn't have jobs to help me out. Maybe.
But that isn't my reality. Nor is it for a lot of us. We are not all well off with extra cash. Neither is our family so they are working when we would need them. That is life. So I ask again, what do you do when you reach that point?
(I love the message in this image, but it's easier said than done.)
Recently my step daughter had something very sad happen to a friend at school. I saw her mood slide into a funk. (She is tween now). To help her get out of the funk I asked her to write me 20 things that made her happy. Could be simple, like eating pancakes, or sleeping in, or maybe just fuzzy slippers. The point of the exercise was to get her to search through her memory and remember the happy times/moments as she wrote them. Thus in theory when she was done she would be smiling. And thankfully it worked :) And then feeling confident because my exercise for her worked, I explained the benefits of helping ourselves be positive and grateful.
Of course two days later I became a hypocrite and got into my own funk after an argument with my spouse. And it got worse once I realized I was a hypocrite. Ever have those moments? You know logically how to fix your problem and really you shouldn't have the problem as you think you know (or did know) the solution but there you are with the issue you where just so busy and confidently preaching about? Hopefully some of you do, because I hate to think I am the only one ;) And when your trying to be that perfect mom there is no room for having a funk right?
I bet your wondering when I am going to bring out the ultimate answer, the easy solution or even a miracle cure right? Why all this babble and no solution. Well I honestly can't answer that for you. Each time I face that struggle, find myself wishing I had handled things differently, or feel like a hypocrite, or should have had more patience it is a little different. I handle it a little different. I learn something new about myself and life almost every time.
What I can tell you is what I do if I genuinely feel like I messed up. I apologize for my behaviour. Yes even to my 1.5 yr old. I don't care if they don't understand all my words yet, that isn't the point. The point for me, is doing what I feel is right. So if lose my temper or raise my voice I apologize and ask them if they can forgive me. If they did something wrong I explain it was still wrong but I should have handled it better and I am sorry. For me this helps me not feel so down on myself. I have now acknowledged my mistake and taken the first step to fix it. I try my hardest not to mess up again but I know I will. Just like I know my kids will break one of my favourite glasses one day, or draw on my wall or maybe eventually dent my car. But like all long lasting relationships hopefully I will be able to give them the acceptance and forgiveness they now give me.
I still have days when I feel drained, and I know that will continue from time to time for a little longer while my kids are growing up (or maybe life, who knows). But that is ok. I will figure it out, I will read the mom forums for ideas and motivational blogs/articles/books to lift my spirit. I will take long walks in the woods with and with out my family. It will be ok. I will accept I am going to mess up, I am not going to be perfect but it wont stop me from trying every day. Fight the fight worth fighting right?
And most of all forgive myself... even during those weeks where it feels like the whole week has been a big mess up. I'll take a time out, maybe I will have good cry, whatever I need to do at that moment, it is different every time, but I know it will be ok. But I will never take my kids acceptance or forgiveness for granted. I use it as motivation to try harder. And to not give up on being the best mom I can. Just like they try to make me happy every day. My only answer is love! Just keep on loving yourself and your kids. You will make. I know you can!
